Running Away or Running Towards
London, Edinburgh and the Highlands
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Now on to this week’s musings…
Two weeks ago, all I wanted to do was run away. I needed to leave everything behind. I couldn’t breathe. But the problem when grief becomes too much to bear is that you can’t run away from it, because you can’t run away from yourself. The loss and pain you want to leave behind comes along for the ride. Sometimes though, if you’re really lucky, you can turn running away from pain into running towards comfort, and that is exactly what I managed to do. I ran to Lauren and to Kim, to the comfort of sisters and much needed hugs.
Lauren wrapped me in the safety of her beautiful home and in London’s beloved familiarity. We talked about food over rainbow doughnuts. We talked about Finn, and I wept safe in my best friends arms. We talked about my PhD and her research. We spent an afternoon curating her home, planning where all her gorgeous artwork will hang. We immersed ourselves for over three hours in the V&A’s Fragile Beauty Exhibition, surrounded by the incredible photography collection of Elton John and David Furnish. We had three days together and by the time I left I could breathe again. My grief had travelled with me and been softened.
Then I got on a train to Kim, Nick, their rescue Greyhound Pat. I hadn’t been to Edinburgh since Kim and Nick bought their flat, and finally getting to see their home was a joy. My first day in Edinburgh began with breakfast in the lovely local café, followed by hours in Edinburgh’s finest vintage shops. It ended with the arrival of my cousin Ben and watching England win their semi-final match in the local pub. It was the perfect city day.
The following day we packed up a hire car and left: the Highlands were calling us.
Our first stop was The House of Bruar, easily the fanciest service station and most weirdly located department store in the UK. A lunch of sausage and leek pie with divine roast potatoes was followed by browsing fancy cashmere and buying shortbread in the food hall. Then it was on to Castle Urquhart and my first look at Loch Ness. I’ve been told my multiple people over the last week that Loch Ness contains more water than all the English and Welsh lakes combined. Looking out over the Loch from ruins of Castle Urquhart that is easy to believe. It’s also easy to imagine a mystical creature choosing to make the Loch their home. Nessie would certainly have plenty of space to hide and unrivalled views to enjoy!
The following day we headed to Glen Affric. I have dreamt of going to Glen Affric for years. It is one of the UK’s most important and exciting rewilding sites, working to plant native trees alongside caring for the ancient pine forests and woodlands of the Affric Highlands. After a stunning drive we stopped at Plodda Falls, a glorious waterfall and circular walk. My camera and I had so much fun, and I can’t wait to return in my van.
We ended our Highland adventure at Loch Lochy, were I screwed up my courage (or gathered my insanity, I’m not sure which) and went for a swim in the Loch. The water was beyond cold and truly incredible. Being the Highlands was a dream, but there were moments of deep grief as I took in views and places I’d dreamt of sharing with Finn. Kim’s arms around me, her deep love and understanding of that lost dream helped me stay present in the joy of our adventure. Plunging into Loch Lochy soothed a part of me nothing else has managed to touch. I am so deeply grateful to have family who will walk with me to the water’s edge, and cheer me on as I walk in.
Back in Edinburgh after a stunning drive home we got ready for a momentous Saturday – Ben’s Graduation Day from Edinburgh Uni. I adore my cousin, he is one of my favourite people in the world, and getting to be part of his day was incredibly special. He has worked so hard to earn his degree. I could not be prouder of him and everything he achieved during his years at university. I am cheering him on as he braves the next steps into the unknown. Â
After all the adventures, I ended my visit as I had begun it, enjoying Kim and Nicks beautiful home, snuggling with Pat, and exploring more their neighbourhood with ice cream by the waters of Leith.
Leaving was hard, my grief hitting me as I moved back towards Cornwall on coaches and trains. Thankfully I was met by the loving embrace of my Mum, Gem Dog, and my precious cats. The walls of our home and footpaths of my walks, which had left me mired in grief only two weeks ago, are once again safe. I have taken the next healing step on this journey. I cannot thank Lauren and Kim enough for being there to run to when I needed them most.
This was a loverly post and I love the pictures so much, so blessed we are to be loved so deeply indeed. xooxoxoxo