Returning to my Van

A joyous and triumphant week

It has been a while since I wrote about the van build. There is a simple reason for that: I got stuck, caught in a cycle of complex building problems I couldn’t solve, mistakes, fear and anxiety that got worse with every week I didn’t build anything. Trying to balance the van with funding applications and competition entries wasn’t working, and for every application I did my inbox became a space of increasing knock backs as rejections started to flow in. Eventually it got to the point that simply opening the door to the van brought me to tears. The van had become a source of pain and something needed to change.

Chaotic mess had built up all over the van, and even Boy Cat was unconvinced.

I have learned over the years how to settle down to work on days I don’t really feel it, opening my latest application or editing photos. Some days this requires a desk or the kitchen table, others I need a sofa and a movie to be able to work. I’ve learned that there are days when I wake up without a creative bone in body and so admin is the only thing possible. Other days I wake up and the plan to sit and write my book proposal gets thrown out because I feel the drive to take photographs. This rhythm of my creative practise is one I have become familiar with, comfortable with, and able to work within.

What I needed was a way to transfer this to the van build. With that in mind I am putting everything else aside until New Year. No more applications, no more days of searching the internet for residencies or entering competitions, no more worrying about the next art piece. The van is the next art piece, and I am giving myself permission to focus on it. On the days I feel strong I will tackle the challenging build. On the days I would usually do admin in front of the TV I will research water tanks, buy door handles, or design cupboards.

I made this choice before going to Scotland, unsure and nervous that I would be able to act on it. But it seems that all I needed was firm permission to focus on the van. The day after arriving home I opened the door to the van and started organising, tidying, and preparing. On the second day I got to work and by the end of the week the ceiling was sanded and varnished, the stud frame for the shower is fixed in place, the solar power system had arrived, and I’d book dates with Stuart to get help putting together the electric, gas and water systems.

Sanding the varnishing the ceiling

The joy of being in the van, of working and overcoming challenges that a few weeks ago had frozen me in fear, is thrilling. The ceiling particularly makes me smile every time I open the door. I effort of holding a palm sander above my head as it sent vibrations down my arm left me with aching muscles, but the transformation to a smooth, warm, and welcoming ceiling is one I will treasure forever. I will be able to lay in the bed and look up at my hard work, knowing that each increasingly fine grade of sandpaper was worth it. To do that though I must first build the bed, which happens to be the next job on the list and one I am going to start tomorrow. I will let you all know how it goes next Wednesday.

Looking gorgeous in the evening sunshine

A note on the paywall:

I love all my free subscribers. You are here supporting my journey and contributing to the wonderful space that is A Nomadic Rose. I am a free subscriber to several newsletters here on Substack and I love reading them. I would also love to pay the writers whose work I enjoy but I simply do not have the funds at this stage. I understand that £4 per month can be a lot.

You might have noticed on Sunday that one of my paid only letters went out with a paywall. It is my dream that eventually A Nomadic Rose help support my life in my van and the creation of my art. To do that I need paid subscribers as well as free ones. The paywall is one of the tools Substack provides to attract those paid subscribers, one I will be using occasionally because it works. I do not intend it to hassle anyone who can’t afford to pay, and I hope you are all willing to simply delete the paywall emails if you are happy with your free subscription. Thank you for understanding and for being here.