Learning to heed and to hear

I am learning so much creating this tiny home of mine but perhaps the biggest lesson is in listening to myself.

Listening to when I am up for something challenging or when trying would end badly.

Listening to when I am excited to work on the van or when I am trying to push myself for some imagined deadline.

Listening to when I am afraid without reason or when I actually need to learn more.

It isn’t always easy, I want to van done and learning to listen to myself can be hard. Sometimes I don’t know when its procrastination and when it’s a legitimate need to wait. But I am learning, and I know it will be worth it.

It will be worth it for the van, which will be better and more beautiful for being done at the right moments, and it will be better for me in general. There have been plenty of times in my life when I have pushed through my inner voice and made myself do something only for it to end in mistakes or tears because I ignored the warning signs inside me.

If the van can teach me another way of approaching the challenges of art and life, another way to work, another speed to work at, then I know I will be happier.

I will be happier in the van and I will be happier in myself.

I climbed onto the roof of my van this weekend and fitted the roof fan. It isn’t wired in yet as the van doesn’t have electrics, but it is in place. It was a tricky process, but worth it. The fan will help with airflow inside the van, and so, much like the insulation, it will be part of the interlocking system that keeps the van a comfortable temperature for living in.   

As I sat on roof, the fan slotted carefully into the frame I had spent the day constructing, fitting, and sealing into place, I discovered the holes for the screws didn’t line up. If I couldn’t get them to fit together, I couldn’t secure the fan fully. It took a lot of deep breaths, asking Mumma for help, and multiple attempts at problem solving to make it work. But eventually it did, and I could climb down.

(A relief for so many reasons, not least that I don’t like heights.)

The hole for the roof had been cut on Friday, but by the time it was done I realised it was too late in the day to start a task I’d never done before. On Saturday it rained. If I hadn’t listened to myself, if I had caved to the internal pressure pushing at me, I would have tried fitting the fan on Friday or Saturday and it would have gone wrong. Mumma wouldn’t have been around to help, I wouldn’t have been able to stay calm, and I wouldn’t have solved the problem.

Every time waiting proves successful and beneficial to progress. Every time listening to myself results in another step completed with a smile on my face. Every time asking for help or spending another day researching rather than rushing ends in a smoothly completed job, the lesson I am learning gets reinforced.

Hopefully this lesson will continue to result in the growth of my tiny home, and my own inner strengthening. For right now, as the rain comes down again, I’m keeping my fingers crossed for a few dry days this week so I can build my walls and keep putting this lesson into practise.