Courage and the Floor

Here’s the thing about the van build… I don’t know what I’m doing. I’ve never done anything even remotely like this before. Every step of the build is going to mean learning something new. I know I’ll be able to do it, just as I know there will be bumps and failures and mistakes along the way. I’ve planned for them. What I hadn’t planned for was how much I’m learning about myself, about who I am and what I truly need to be happy. But as being happy was the whole point of the van plan in the first place, I’m glad to be learning it.

I started pulling the floor of the van up this weekend. I was nervous, and it took a while for me to gather the courage to tackle this next step. But I found it eventually, and though I didn’t get far into the job, my plan worked, and my hands are now happily sore from pulling off strips of vinyl. The wood underneath seems in good condition, but I won’t know for sure until I get it out. I am hoping to be able to reuse it.

As I set to work, I wondered about the courage it had taken to start and why it had taken courage at all. It isn’t a complicated step and I’d done my research properly. I realised that the courage I am slowly gathering is shoring up more than the van build. With each step I am turning a dream into a life, and the courage I am gathering is being built into it, just like learning to install solar panels or build cabinets will be built into it. Courage is becoming the foundation of the dream. The foundation of my happiness.

It’s a huge thing to be doing, to be facing, to be building. And as I locked up the van last night and washed grime off my hands, I came to the conclusion that I don’t only want to be doing it at weekends. I think I’d planned it that way because it seemed like the way it should be done. To work during the week and then spend weekends on the van. But looking at it now, looking at all I’ve learnt already, and imagining what it will mean for my career, I can’t see why I was separating it out like that. It seems counterproductive to the van build, to my art, and to my happiness. So, this week I am going to try something different and judge each day as it comes, gathering courage for my art and for the van, and taking them both on at whichever moment seems best. I shall let you all know how it goes next Monday. Until then, I hope you all find the courage to do something for your dreams this week.